Coffee morning catch-up - November 28th

Date: 28 November
Topic: School Pressure, Motivation & Avoidance

Thank you to everyone who joined our virtual coffee morning. For those who couldn’t attend, here is a full summary of our discussion, the strategies shared, and the resources mentioned in the chat.

Welcome and introduction

We opened with a warm recap of last month’s session and introduced this month’s focus: understanding why children sometimes disengage from learning and how we can support them without adding pressure.

A shared message from the start was:

When children avoid schoolwork, it is often a sign of overwhelm – not laziness. Our role is to help them feel capable and supported.

Understanding school pressure and avoidance

We explored the idea that:

“Behind every behaviour is a feeling, and behind every feeling is a need.”

Parents identified a range of pressures their children may be experiencing, including:

Academic expectations
Social demands
Anxiety, low confidence, or fear of failure
Feeling overwhelmed by change or routine

We also discussed how challenging it can be to tell the difference between avoidance due to anxiety and a general lack of motivation. Parents shared approaches for opening conversations when children find it hard to talk about learning, including gentle check-ins and timing conversations around calming activities.

Encouragement over pressure

A key theme was captured in the quote:

“You can’t motivate a child by making them feel worse about themselves.”

Parents talked about what encouragement looks like in their homes, sharing ways to reduce pressure while still supporting progress. Helpful ideas included:

Praising effort, not perfection
Celebrating even the smallest wins
Creating calm, low-pressure study spaces
Replacing “Why didn’t you…?” with “How can I help you…?”
Modelling self-compassion and talking openly about motivation dips

Re-engaging learners gently

We looked at strategies to help children take steps forward – however small:

“The smallest step forward still counts as progress.”

Tools and techniques shared:

Breaking tasks into small, manageable chunks
Using gentle check-ins: “What feels hardest right now?”
Incorporating movement or outdoor breaks
Co-creating simple, achievable daily goals
Linking learning to interests where possible
Establishing routines

Parents noted that structure and routine, introduced gradually, can help children regain a sense of control and predictability.

Signs to look out for

Families talked about the early signs of overwhelm they notice, such as:

Increased irritability or withdrawal
Changes in sleep or appetite
Complaints of physical symptoms
Refusal to log in or avoidance around the topic of learning

We also discussed how to recognise when additional support may be needed and how to open conversations with support at Tute, school, LEAs or external services.